SnortyWart

Happy Friday

Just a gratuitous picture of Elgin in honor of Friday:

Whee!

Pretty in Pink

At first appearance my husband The Brit is a manly man.  Likes Beer?  Check, Has a man-pelt?  Check, Is good at pool and darts?  Check, Will watch any sport ESPN has to offer?  Check, Has a really cute butt?  Bonus.  Lately however, my he-man has been engaging in a very unmanly activity.  My husband, a bastion of masculinity, has been drinking water flavored with Crystal Light.  Crystal Light people.  CRYSTAL LIGHT.

For those of you in the dark about Crystal Light (sorry, couldn't resist), it is a powdered drink mix that comes in a variety of flavors and colors; think adult Kool-Aid.  The ads feature women of various sizes and colors twirling around in brightly colored skirts while the music playing in the background encourages them to "pump it up."  I've never tried CL but I'm sure it's a quality product and must be a lifesaver for those individuals who don't like water that tastes too "watery."

Regardless of the flavorful benefits of CL, based on the marketing campaign it is a product that is obviously targeted to women.  This fact made it all the more delicious when The Brit tried sneaking a package of pink grapefruit CL into the house.

I knew something was up because he never puts away the groceries even when he's the one that went to the store.  "What was that?"  I asked after I observed him shoving something into the pantry and quickly shutting the door.  "Oh nothing, just some drink stuff," he replied.  That's when I walked over to the pantry, opened the door and saw the CL.  "Crystal Light?  Are you going to add this to vodka or something?"  "Umm, no.  Actually, I'm going to add it to water.  I just don't like the taste of water and you're always telling me that I should drink more water and less Diet Pepsi so..."  He suddenly became as pink as the drink mix and wandered off up the stairs presumably to watch some Lifetime television or Ambush Makeover.  (Actually, I think he went upstairs to cut his toenails and believe me, no one should be privy to that debacle.)

In truth, I don't think any less of The Brit for drinking CL.  I'm actually proud of him for embracing his feminine side and not being afraid to enjoy a little pink drink now and again.  He recently purchased the raspberry flavor so it is apparent that he is going to ride the pretty pink flavored train until the last stop.  Of course he'll never appear in public sipping a refreshing glass of CL but that's not the point.  In the end I can honestly say that I believe in Crystal Light 'cause I believe in him.

(Note for CL neophytes:  Until recently,  CL's slogan was "I believe in Crystal Light 'cause I believe in me!"  And yes, all the ads featured brightly dressed confident women.)

Things I'm Thankful For Today

1.  The History Channel is not broadcast in Smell-O-Vision.

2.  Our new neighbors, as annoying as they are, are not naturalists.

3. The dogs don't have their own blog.

I realize the list isn't terribly long but it's all I've got so far.  You try being more inspired when you have crackhead neighbors that enjoy hosting parties and shouting matches at 3:00 every morning. Seriously, they are the loudest people I've ever had to live next too (except for the neighbors I once had in Reno who included a chorus member of the local opera company who felt the need to practice her "craft" at random hours of the day and night and the man with Tourette's who used to spend long moments in the courtyard of our 6-plex alternately shouting and mumbling to himself.  Oh, and don't forget the band of feral cats that fighted and umm, found romance underneath our building.)

I'm pretty sure the people who now live in back of us have at least one child.  I'm not sure who exactly lives there because there always seems to be at least 4-8 people hanging out in the backyard smoking and getting wasted but I hope the child I've seen doesn't actually reside there because I can't imagine how the poor girl gets any sleep.

This situation combined with the situation of last week when the people across the street left in the middle of the night because they were evicted and made the wonderful decision to abandon their 2 pitbulls really makes The Brit and I wonder what type of neighborhood we've moved into.  Not that we're perfect neighbors mind you but at least when we go to the backyard to hold the sacrifices and bury the bodies we try and keep the noise down.   

 

 

CSI Phoenix

It was the worst crime scene I had ever witnessed.  Evidence of the viscious attack lay strewn about the beige carpet of the victims’ living room.  Sharp angeled shards of plastic glinted in the unforgiving light of the morning sun.  Shreds of printed pages competed with the remains of two ballpoint pens for most desecrated objects.  Mangled and broken, its cover punctured by toothmarks, a DVD jacket lay sadly discarded by the sofa.  I shook my head in frustration, knelt down to begin the clean up and thought, “The damn dogs have done it again.”

That’s right— Elgin the Ender and Ator the Abolisher have added to their kill lists.  They managed to destroy the CD and CD case of Rumors of the Big Wave, the DVD for Drop Dead Gorgeous, a book of New York Times Crossword Puzzles and a blue ballpoint pen.  I can’t tell exactly who is responsible for what because they’re constantly switching kennels but there was a trail of CD case pieces leading to the big kennel and an equally distressing trail of cd shards leading to the smaller kennel.  It was definitely a two-dog operation but it’s anyone guess who the actual instigator was.  The P had the decency (or common sense?) to grant me his best guilty look but Ms. Ellie was nonplussed, as usual.

This was not their first foray into the world of crime.  Oh, no.  To date the bullies have destroyed:  5 CDs, 2 DVDs, 6 pairs of shoes, 1 cell phone charger, an i-pod, a set of headphones, and a coffee table.  And that's just what I can recall offhand.  I'm sure there's more but I don't want to dwell on it too much or I'll go crazy.    You can check out the dogs of destruction at flickr by the way.  There's even one photo where you can see our old coffee table in the first stage of becoming a chewed on wreck.  It took on a rather nice deconstructed look after awhile.  So, if you want your own unique piece of post-modern, deconstructionist furniture (drooled on by the original artists) let me know and I'll get the dogs working on it!

The Face of Evil

The following photos may disturb sensitive readers so please proceed with caution. 

I now present the Hound of Hell, the Puppy of Pergatory, the Canine of Chaos, the Dog of Destruction.  She who is the demolisher of worlds (and CDs, DVDs, pens, pillows, television remote controls and expensive leather shoes).  The face of irritation has a new name and that name is...

ELGIN!

More shocking photos to come when I figure out to reconfigure the photos!